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Is Self-preservation

Part 4

WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE WHEN JESUS SETS BOYS FREE

I was sitting on Ryan's sofa, in Ryan's house, talking with Ryan's beloved sister and friend, Mary.  I just wanted to be somewhere else!   The story of Ryan's molestation and the abandonment by his mother, to his abuser was overwhelming.  

When Mary and I finally got our emotions under control, we sat, each looking at our own hands in silence.  I was about to tell Mary I wanted to go.  Mary spoke first, "I asked you to let me explain two things to you."  Then she said, "I've explained to you what ruined Ryan's life, but now I want to explain the second thing I promised to tell you."

I vaguely remembered there were two things Mary wanted to tell me, but I was emotionally devastated by the first.   I didn't care about the second.  Then Mary reminded me what that second item was, "You said you didn't believe Ryan loved you, and I said I think I can prove to you he did, remember?"  

I hauled up my tear streaked countenance to look at Mary's face, and she chuckled.  She said, "Me telling you the first thing made you completely forget the second thing," she said chuckling again.  "So," she asked, "are you ready for the second topic of discussion?"  I looked at her in silence for a long moment, and then simply nodded my head, "yes."  She could have offered to take me out back and shoot me in the head and I'd have nodded my head yes. I was emotionally cut up and beat down.  Mary, my tormentor, just kept the emotional punches coming!!

"Lonnie, did Ryan ever ask you for, or try to have sex with you," Mary asked?  My eyes bugged out, and my chin hit my chest.  That was it, that question was the last straw!  I was jumping off "the crazy ship!"  I didn't say a word, I just stood up, turned for the door, and started walking.  Mary called out, "Lonnie, PLEASE!!! PLEASE! Hear me out," she implored.  I stood by the door with my head down for awhile.  I silently turned around, walked to the sofa, sat down in the same spot, with a bitter frown on my face.  

Mary said, "Alright, I'm going to make an assumption, about your and Ryan's relationship, and you just tell me if I'm right, is that okay?"  I nodded my head "yes," and she continued.  "Lonnie," she said, "You and Ryan never had any kind of sexual contact with each other, and Ryan never suggested it, would you agree with that statement," Mary carefully inquired?  I responded simply, "Yes, you are correct, we were never intimate."   I kept going, "I always felt there was more that Ryan wanted, but he always held back, and I was never one to initiate."  

Mary smiled and stretched out her hand to touch my hands in my lap.  She looked me in the eyes, smiled a satisfied looking smile and then continued. "The guys Ryan loved, guys who were his truest friends he never had sex with, or even tried to."  Mary said, "Somehow Ryan knew love and sex were different things, but he didn't understand why that was."  Mary then said the weirdest thing, "If Ryan was getting tired of a friend, someone he thought had become a jerk, he'd have sex with him."  I narrowed my eyes, cocked my head to one side, and asked, "Wait...you want me to believe Ryan used sex to push people away!?"  Mary answered, "Not exactly.  Ryan had sex with people he never started deep relationships with, and was never bothered by that.  If Ryan had a deep relationship with you he might have been thinking about sex, but would never try it."  

When Ryan and I were friends I was a gay atheist.  When Mary and I had our conversation I had been a sexually reforming Christian for 5 years.  My Christian ears could not believe what they were hearing!!  "Mary," I said, "help me out here...Are you saying Ryan knew that homosexuality isn't rooted in love?!"  Mary thought about it, pursed her lips, nodded her head, and said, "Yes, Lonnie, I think that's a good way to look at it."  "Okay Mary, would you just indulge me, for a little bit longer, and let me ask you the same question a different way?"  Mary's smile spread ear to ear, and she nodded her head "yes", so I continued.  "Unless you correct me," I said, "you are telling me Ryan DIDN'T want to have sex with me because he truly loved me, and what's more, he didn't want to poison that love with sex," is that really what I am hearing you say?!?!"  Mary laughed and said, "Yes, Lonnie, that is exactly what I'm saying!" 

My face contorted into a mask of grief, the tears poured from my eyes, and my head dropped into my open palms.  I didn't think I had any more pain for grief to rip out of me. Grief wasn't nearly finished beating me.  

I had been a Christian for five years, had completely turned from my sexual sin, and was experiencing very powerful and very real change in every area of my emotions and sexual attraction.   I could experience and enjoy God's love for me at some level, but I still had never had the real, brotherly, godly love of a close Christian guy friend.  What Mary was telling me was that Ryan had loved me with that kind of love.   Ryan cared about me; the person me; not the pleasure bits and parts of me.  Ryan didn't want to use me, or have me use him. 

I always feared Ryan didn't really like me.  I always thought he was just barely tolerating me.  Ryan would hug me, but he wouldn't show any other kind of affection for me.  I thought Ryan must be secretly disgusted by me.  When Ryan hugged one of our other close friends he'd hug, grope, and cuddle, but never me.  My horribly broken sinner mind couldn't understand what Ryan was doing.  As a CHRISTIAN, with God working to restore my ability to love and relate, what Ryan did made complete sense. There was love between us.  Our sexually screwed up minds completely blocked us from seeing love, sharing love, or receiving love from others.   

Even as a Christian, early in my walk, there was so much about love I still didn't understand.  But because I was a Christian, and only because I was a Christian I could see how my brokenness stole even the ability to express love to/for someone else.  I could see the barriers to simply comprehending love. Because I was a Christian I also honestly appreciate and receive the truth that Ryan didn't want a relationship to be destroyed by using. 

I believe Ryan loved me, brother to brother, without the pollution of same-sex romance. He had to fight romantic feelings, but that only means the love was more important to him than the other.  For me, other than the loss of a true friend, the most painful thing is that I have found so little of this brother to brother love anyplace else in my life. 

Thinking about Ryan always brings me to hurt feelings, frustration, and anger. I keep trying to understand how my fellow Christians could believe Ryan, or anyone else for that matter, could easily make other choices, than the most powerful choice, which were forced upon him.  Ryan made choices under duress from his abuser and his abandoner.  No one put a gun to Ryan's head forcing him to get naked.  NOW THAT IS A FAIR JUDGMENT!  Ryan did make the choice to treat our relationship differently.  So if Ryan worked so hard to separate his feelings for me, why didn't he just keep doing that for everyone else in his life? I can't ask Ryan his specific reasoning, but I can speak, with understanding, about the root cause.  

One of the most irksome questions commonly asked of abused wives is, "Why?"  "Why do you remain in an abusive relationship, why don't you just leave the abusive jerk?"  There are a great many fairly good explanations, but even good ones do not satisfy most of us.  I think I can speak with some understanding I get from life experience. 

My early childhood story is similar to that of Ryan's.  I was never sexually molested, but my family took in an orphaned family member when I was 4-years-old, and he was an abusive psychopath.  When his abuse came to light, in a tragic moment for me, my dad chose to completely turn his back on my cries for help.  I hope my own experience sets the stage adequately.  

The truth is, the abused learn to abuse ourselves.  We remain silent under abuse, because at many levels we accept the dehumanization; that we are nothing but objects for use and abuse.  We become conditioned by abuse to expect little else.  Worth, self-image, the very idea of right to self-determination are subtly sucked out of us, or violently stolen away.  Ryan, continued to do the things to himself that were done to him.  Ryan became a good little dehumanized object who learned the place his slave masters forced him to accept.  Ryan surpassed his master and became master bully over himself.  

We expect when a father teaches his son to mow the lawn, that the son will mow the lawn the way his dad taught him.  When a mother teaches her daughter to drive we expect the daughter to become a responsible and safe driver.  Why don't we expect that Ryan was taught behaviors, and accept that he followed successfully in the footsteps of his taskmasters?  Why do we expect children to learn the good and useful things and skills, but also expect them not to learn the evil things and skills taught and modeled for them?  Is it a sane, realistic, honest, or true expectation for children to learn only good lessons by their families, and not the evil things modeled for them by those people?      

Do not misunderstand me, do not make the mistake of accusing me of being "SOFT" on sin!  You may think whatever you like, but do not make the mistake of accusing me in a comment of being SOFT on sin.  My friend Ryan's sin killed him.  You may accuse me of erring on the side of mercy.  I care deeply about sin.  I care deeply about the blood of Jesus washing it off people.  Merely pointing out the sins of others and quoting what the law says about their sin is not evangelism.  

God sent his laws pointing out our sin, but sin still ruled in the world.  Jesus came as God's word made human.  Jesus personally taught and modeled God's kingdom, truth, mercy and grace.  Then Jesus performed all of the acts for us, that we needed to be holy, righteous, and repair relationship with God.  God taught me the most important lessons, about his mercy, righteousness, holiness, grace and love through relationship with broken sinful people.  

Is it possible; would you at least consider, that maybe just maybe...God is waiting for all of you, just like he did for me, to enter into relationships you aren't comfortable with?  I was NEVER comfortable with Lilly.  Lilly was an HIV+ street walker.  I had no experience with anyone like Lilly, yet God called me into relationship with her!   

I can tell you this with certainty:  Despite the fact I had not the beginning of an idea how to deal with Lilly, God taught me and lead me unfailingly to love; his love for Lilly.  When God drops his love, in you for another, so he can pour it out of you to that other person, he brings you to a greater knowledge of his world altering love.      

I love what Dietrich Bonhoeffer said:

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I HATE THIS!  But this is going too long.  

I'll write a PART 5, but I will not continue harassing you with messages.  

Thank you all for your indulgence!  I kinda feel like I'm abusing your kindness!

Part 5 will absolutely be the last post.