STEPPING IN

Is Self-preservation

Part 5

Take a look at the title:  "Stepping In Is Self-preservation".  Reaching relationally to the broken is among the highest expressions of Christ love. Jesus emphasizes the importance of love for the most broken among us, when he taught, “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.'"  (Matthew 25:40)

The greatest lesson God has ever taught me is that he is always waiting for us where people are broken and wounded.  In Matthew 25 Jesus teaches us that those who are his sheep feed the hungry, clothe the naked, care for the sick, and care for those in prison.  And just so no one thinks those are the only things Jesus had to say on the matter, he say, "Whatever you did for the least of these my brothers and sisters you have done to me."  Jesus calls the very least; the most broken, most sinful, the worst of the worst, "brother or sister." When Jesus taught, "For God so loved the world," he doesn't give us a single exception.  

In Ephesians the Holy Spirit teaches us through Paul that God has created us, in, "Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."  (Ephesians 2:10).  You see God's Spirit was there with Ryan, when he was just a baby being abused.  God was waiting for the day a Christian, one of his sheep would come.  Do you remember what Jesus says in Matthew 18:10?  Jesus tells us that "little ones," have an angel appointed to them, and that the angel always sees the face of Father God.   God saw all that happened, and even though Ryan took over the work of abusing himself, and by his own sin made himself, "the least," Jesus says, "Whatever you do or don't do to Ryan, you do or don't do to me."  

When God sent me to Lilly, an AIDS infected hooker, he was sending me there to experience his love for her.  

(You can read more about Lilly's story by clicking on this link: http://lonniesthesaltworks.blogspot.com/2015/07/looking-wrong-way.html )

Through Lilly, God wanted to teach me that He could utterly defeat her sin and brokenness. All of the words in the Bible could never teach me the lesson only first hand experience of God's love and power can teach.  I need God's love and power working inside and through me, to understand how loving and powerful God truly is.  There is a really good reason why Christians picket, shout at sinners, thump their Bibles, lobby for laws, such as The Defense of Marriage Act. There is a reason Christians are so fearful, angry, and upset about the Supreme Court ruling on Same-Sex Marriage.  When God has filled you with his world shattering love for hookers, homos, men wearing dresses, porn addicted folks, and the like, you rely on God's best answer, and stop trusting or fearing the best answers mere humans can offer.  The only cure for fear, reliance on human policies and activism is the real life experience of God love making all the merely human stuff look like nothing.  Let me splain this another way.  If you've witnessed the destruction a shotgun can cause you know to be afraid of what a shotgun can do.  But if you witness an thermonuclear bomb exploding a shotgun isn't such a big deal anymore. Look at the power of mere men as you would the power of the shotgun.  Mere humans can still kill ya.  The power of God is like the power of the thermonuclear.  Who is afraid of a man who brings a shotgun to a thermonuclear war?!?!  When you experience the explosion of God's love for others, you'll never again be afraid of the worst the world can do.

I can preach to my fellow Christians til I'm blue in the face.  If you don't go to "the least of these" God himself can't teach you to love people who have MADE themselves, BY THEIR OWN SIN, utterly worthless.  If you have been depending on the world's ways to fight the world with activism, politics, and laws then you will continue to us the world's ways.  God's weapons are not the world's weapons.  God cannot fight sin with politics, activism, or laws.  When Jesus came to the world he teaches us, "God loves the world, and his greatest act of love is sending me, his Son."  

Maybe you believe what the Supreme Court has done is a terrible thing to happen to America.  What the Supreme Court did is a supreme annoyance, and it's helped make darkness and enslavement to sin look more acceptable.  God still loves and his supreme power still frees gay people, drug addicted people, hooker people, porn addicted people.  God still has the world changing power to break the chains of bondage, so the worst can come to live in the light of Jesus Christ, and to have eternal relationship with God. 

I am deeply saddened by what the Supreme Court has done.  But God has made me experience his love and power for the worst of the worst, and the most broken of the broken.  The Supreme Court may put on a good show of power, and it is impressive.  Still, I'm smiling, filled with hope, excited about God loving Lilly and healing her brokenness.  There is no way to make me believe anything can stop the power of the love of God for people like Lilly, Ryan, and Lonnie.  There is no way I can remain focused on the Supreme Court, the next presidential election, the next law to protect religious freedoms.  If you want to protect religious freedom then from now on you're going to have to walk in the power of the Holy Spirit.  Remember how many times the leaders running things, when Jesus was here, tried to kill him?   Remember that Jesus simply walked right through the crowd and no one laid a finger on him?  Do you remember that Paul was stoned to death, and then got up and walked away?? When you experience God's love and power to free and save the very worst of the worst then nothing in the world is ever going to matter to you the same way.  

I'm not afraid of the sinners.  Hookers don't bother me, I tell them about my sister Lilly, who was a hooker just like them.  When they hear the story of Lilly and Lonnie they aren't afraid of Lonnie anymore.  Nothing else in the world matters when Lonnie is full of God's love and power, the hookers aren't afraid of condemnation, God got there ahead of me and has been waiting!  What does it matter who the POTUS (President of the United States) is, or what the Supreme Court decides, or a stupid wedding cake for the most messed up and sinful people?   

The people who TERRIFY me are my fellow Christians.  Until the last 5 to 10 years I was always very open about my past in homosexuality.  I would always have a meeting with a pastor when I started attending a new church. After I told my new pastor about me, I would carefully tell other people in the church about me.  I knew once people knew about me they would watch me like a hawk.  AND PEOPLE DID WATCH ME LIKE A HAWK!  Ha ha ha!  After about six months people would see, with their own eyes, (personal experience) that God had worked in my life to change me.  Once people could see with their own eyes that God had changed me I never had anything to fear.   

I did make one terrible mistake.  I thought if people saw what God had done and was doing in and with my life that they would stop being afraid of gay people.  I thought Christian people would believe the lesson my life in Christ taught them.  But I can't teach people the love and power of God.  Only God can teach Christians about the love and power of God through relationship with the most broken people.  

GOD CANNOT TEACH THE GREATEST LESSON, ABOUT HIS LOVE AND POWER, OUTSIDE OF RELATIONSHIP WITH THOSE WHO NEED THAT LOVE AND POWER THE MOST!   

If Christians never "step in" and reach out to the worst of sinners it is impossible to learn how much greater God's power to save, cleans and free is, than the power of sin to kill, steal, and destroy. God can't tell about his love, God must show you how his love defeats everything the world is.  You focus on what the Supreme Court does because God has not arrested your focus with love.  You are worried about presidential elections because you have not yet seen KING JESUS love and free a hooker from her sins.  You want laws, because you have not yet seen the power of God's grace, mercy and love transform a Ryan or a Lonnie.  The only way to see the kind of power that arrests your attention away from the concerns of the world is for God to put you in life changing relationship with someone he is about to change.  

One of the greatest lesson God has ever taught me is:  

IF I WANT TO PRESERVE CHRISTIANITY THEN I HAVE TO STEP IN; STEP UP; MOVE TO THE FRONT OF THE LINE; REACH TO THE WORST OF THE WORST AND EXPECT GOD TO DO THE IMPOSSIBLE.

God doesn't care about what the Supreme Court does.  God's cure for "fear of queers," is loving in and through you the queer you fear!

PLEASE DON'T BE AFRAID OF ME!

PLEASE BELIEVE GOD'S LOVE IN YOU IS BIG ENOUGH FOR BOTH OF US!

PLEASE TRUST GOD THAT HE CAN KILL THE SIN THAT WAS KILLING ME!

PLEASE CARE MORE ABOUT  JESUS' LOVE FOR ME, THAN YOU CARE ABOUT HATING MY SINS!

PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE CHAINED IN THE DARK WHERE THE BULLY PUT ME AND LEFT ME! 

PLEASE DON'T TREAT ME LIKE I'M AN "ISSUE"!

PLEASE!  EVEN THOUGH I'VE DESTROYED THE IMAGE OF GOD IN ME, STILL TREAT ME LIKE I STILL HAVE THE IMAGE AND LIKENESS OF GOD ON ME!!

If you can't step up for the Ryan's, Lilly's and Lonnie's then do it for the sake of self-perservation.   When you experience God's love for the worst then you know there is no greater power than God's power, and you will never fear the world's power the same way again.  Reach the worst of the worst so that fear doesn't keep you focused on what the world is doing. Step into relationship with the "least", and you'll never have to fear ending up with the goats who don't feed the hungry, don't care for the poor, and don't care for those in prison.  Go to the most broken, even it is only for the enjoyment of seeing God's power to save and fix them.  

Look, If you can't do it for others then do it for what's in it for you!

  

Grace and Peace to you.

STEPPING IN

Is Self-preservation

Part 4

WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE WHEN JESUS SETS BOYS FREE

I was sitting on Ryan's sofa, in Ryan's house, talking with Ryan's beloved sister and friend, Mary.  I just wanted to be somewhere else!   The story of Ryan's molestation and the abandonment by his mother, to his abuser was overwhelming.  

When Mary and I finally got our emotions under control, we sat, each looking at our own hands in silence.  I was about to tell Mary I wanted to go.  Mary spoke first, "I asked you to let me explain two things to you."  Then she said, "I've explained to you what ruined Ryan's life, but now I want to explain the second thing I promised to tell you."

I vaguely remembered there were two things Mary wanted to tell me, but I was emotionally devastated by the first.   I didn't care about the second.  Then Mary reminded me what that second item was, "You said you didn't believe Ryan loved you, and I said I think I can prove to you he did, remember?"  

I hauled up my tear streaked countenance to look at Mary's face, and she chuckled.  She said, "Me telling you the first thing made you completely forget the second thing," she said chuckling again.  "So," she asked, "are you ready for the second topic of discussion?"  I looked at her in silence for a long moment, and then simply nodded my head, "yes."  She could have offered to take me out back and shoot me in the head and I'd have nodded my head yes. I was emotionally cut up and beat down.  Mary, my tormentor, just kept the emotional punches coming!!

"Lonnie, did Ryan ever ask you for, or try to have sex with you," Mary asked?  My eyes bugged out, and my chin hit my chest.  That was it, that question was the last straw!  I was jumping off "the crazy ship!"  I didn't say a word, I just stood up, turned for the door, and started walking.  Mary called out, "Lonnie, PLEASE!!! PLEASE! Hear me out," she implored.  I stood by the door with my head down for awhile.  I silently turned around, walked to the sofa, sat down in the same spot, with a bitter frown on my face.  

Mary said, "Alright, I'm going to make an assumption, about your and Ryan's relationship, and you just tell me if I'm right, is that okay?"  I nodded my head "yes," and she continued.  "Lonnie," she said, "You and Ryan never had any kind of sexual contact with each other, and Ryan never suggested it, would you agree with that statement," Mary carefully inquired?  I responded simply, "Yes, you are correct, we were never intimate."   I kept going, "I always felt there was more that Ryan wanted, but he always held back, and I was never one to initiate."  

Mary smiled and stretched out her hand to touch my hands in my lap.  She looked me in the eyes, smiled a satisfied looking smile and then continued. "The guys Ryan loved, guys who were his truest friends he never had sex with, or even tried to."  Mary said, "Somehow Ryan knew love and sex were different things, but he didn't understand why that was."  Mary then said the weirdest thing, "If Ryan was getting tired of a friend, someone he thought had become a jerk, he'd have sex with him."  I narrowed my eyes, cocked my head to one side, and asked, "Wait...you want me to believe Ryan used sex to push people away!?"  Mary answered, "Not exactly.  Ryan had sex with people he never started deep relationships with, and was never bothered by that.  If Ryan had a deep relationship with you he might have been thinking about sex, but would never try it."  

When Ryan and I were friends I was a gay atheist.  When Mary and I had our conversation I had been a sexually reforming Christian for 5 years.  My Christian ears could not believe what they were hearing!!  "Mary," I said, "help me out here...Are you saying Ryan knew that homosexuality isn't rooted in love?!"  Mary thought about it, pursed her lips, nodded her head, and said, "Yes, Lonnie, I think that's a good way to look at it."  "Okay Mary, would you just indulge me, for a little bit longer, and let me ask you the same question a different way?"  Mary's smile spread ear to ear, and she nodded her head "yes", so I continued.  "Unless you correct me," I said, "you are telling me Ryan DIDN'T want to have sex with me because he truly loved me, and what's more, he didn't want to poison that love with sex," is that really what I am hearing you say?!?!"  Mary laughed and said, "Yes, Lonnie, that is exactly what I'm saying!" 

My face contorted into a mask of grief, the tears poured from my eyes, and my head dropped into my open palms.  I didn't think I had any more pain for grief to rip out of me. Grief wasn't nearly finished beating me.  

I had been a Christian for five years, had completely turned from my sexual sin, and was experiencing very powerful and very real change in every area of my emotions and sexual attraction.   I could experience and enjoy God's love for me at some level, but I still had never had the real, brotherly, godly love of a close Christian guy friend.  What Mary was telling me was that Ryan had loved me with that kind of love.   Ryan cared about me; the person me; not the pleasure bits and parts of me.  Ryan didn't want to use me, or have me use him. 

I always feared Ryan didn't really like me.  I always thought he was just barely tolerating me.  Ryan would hug me, but he wouldn't show any other kind of affection for me.  I thought Ryan must be secretly disgusted by me.  When Ryan hugged one of our other close friends he'd hug, grope, and cuddle, but never me.  My horribly broken sinner mind couldn't understand what Ryan was doing.  As a CHRISTIAN, with God working to restore my ability to love and relate, what Ryan did made complete sense. There was love between us.  Our sexually screwed up minds completely blocked us from seeing love, sharing love, or receiving love from others.   

Even as a Christian, early in my walk, there was so much about love I still didn't understand.  But because I was a Christian, and only because I was a Christian I could see how my brokenness stole even the ability to express love to/for someone else.  I could see the barriers to simply comprehending love. Because I was a Christian I also honestly appreciate and receive the truth that Ryan didn't want a relationship to be destroyed by using. 

I believe Ryan loved me, brother to brother, without the pollution of same-sex romance. He had to fight romantic feelings, but that only means the love was more important to him than the other.  For me, other than the loss of a true friend, the most painful thing is that I have found so little of this brother to brother love anyplace else in my life. 

Thinking about Ryan always brings me to hurt feelings, frustration, and anger. I keep trying to understand how my fellow Christians could believe Ryan, or anyone else for that matter, could easily make other choices, than the most powerful choice, which were forced upon him.  Ryan made choices under duress from his abuser and his abandoner.  No one put a gun to Ryan's head forcing him to get naked.  NOW THAT IS A FAIR JUDGMENT!  Ryan did make the choice to treat our relationship differently.  So if Ryan worked so hard to separate his feelings for me, why didn't he just keep doing that for everyone else in his life? I can't ask Ryan his specific reasoning, but I can speak, with understanding, about the root cause.  

One of the most irksome questions commonly asked of abused wives is, "Why?"  "Why do you remain in an abusive relationship, why don't you just leave the abusive jerk?"  There are a great many fairly good explanations, but even good ones do not satisfy most of us.  I think I can speak with some understanding I get from life experience. 

My early childhood story is similar to that of Ryan's.  I was never sexually molested, but my family took in an orphaned family member when I was 4-years-old, and he was an abusive psychopath.  When his abuse came to light, in a tragic moment for me, my dad chose to completely turn his back on my cries for help.  I hope my own experience sets the stage adequately.  

The truth is, the abused learn to abuse ourselves.  We remain silent under abuse, because at many levels we accept the dehumanization; that we are nothing but objects for use and abuse.  We become conditioned by abuse to expect little else.  Worth, self-image, the very idea of right to self-determination are subtly sucked out of us, or violently stolen away.  Ryan, continued to do the things to himself that were done to him.  Ryan became a good little dehumanized object who learned the place his slave masters forced him to accept.  Ryan surpassed his master and became master bully over himself.  

We expect when a father teaches his son to mow the lawn, that the son will mow the lawn the way his dad taught him.  When a mother teaches her daughter to drive we expect the daughter to become a responsible and safe driver.  Why don't we expect that Ryan was taught behaviors, and accept that he followed successfully in the footsteps of his taskmasters?  Why do we expect children to learn the good and useful things and skills, but also expect them not to learn the evil things and skills taught and modeled for them?  Is it a sane, realistic, honest, or true expectation for children to learn only good lessons by their families, and not the evil things modeled for them by those people?      

Do not misunderstand me, do not make the mistake of accusing me of being "SOFT" on sin!  You may think whatever you like, but do not make the mistake of accusing me in a comment of being SOFT on sin.  My friend Ryan's sin killed him.  You may accuse me of erring on the side of mercy.  I care deeply about sin.  I care deeply about the blood of Jesus washing it off people.  Merely pointing out the sins of others and quoting what the law says about their sin is not evangelism.  

God sent his laws pointing out our sin, but sin still ruled in the world.  Jesus came as God's word made human.  Jesus personally taught and modeled God's kingdom, truth, mercy and grace.  Then Jesus performed all of the acts for us, that we needed to be holy, righteous, and repair relationship with God.  God taught me the most important lessons, about his mercy, righteousness, holiness, grace and love through relationship with broken sinful people.  

Is it possible; would you at least consider, that maybe just maybe...God is waiting for all of you, just like he did for me, to enter into relationships you aren't comfortable with?  I was NEVER comfortable with Lilly.  Lilly was an HIV+ street walker.  I had no experience with anyone like Lilly, yet God called me into relationship with her!   

I can tell you this with certainty:  Despite the fact I had not the beginning of an idea how to deal with Lilly, God taught me and lead me unfailingly to love; his love for Lilly.  When God drops his love, in you for another, so he can pour it out of you to that other person, he brings you to a greater knowledge of his world altering love.      

I love what Dietrich Bonhoeffer said:

***

I HATE THIS!  But this is going too long.  

I'll write a PART 5, but I will not continue harassing you with messages.  

Thank you all for your indulgence!  I kinda feel like I'm abusing your kindness!

Part 5 will absolutely be the last post.

  

STEPPING IN

Is Self-preservation

Part 3

HANDING OVER YOUR CHILDREN

Ryan had needed an advocate and savior.  Lilly, the prostitute needed an advocate and savior.  Lilly needed someone standing with her, on her side, someone to reach in and pull her out of the dark pit someone had thrown her soul down.  It's funny but I never recognized with Ryan's situation, what God made very clear to me with Lilly's.  I can't explain it, but suspect that God wouldn't or couldn't teach me through anyone but a living breathing person.  

Let me explain how things work the way God taught it to me, through Lilly:

Okay, I'm going to add  the text of Romans 1:18-21 NKJV

18 "For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who suppress the truth in unrighteousness, 19 because what may be known of God is manifest in them, for God has shown it to them.20 For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse, 21 because, although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened."

In these verses God gives us the key to understanding the whole thing.  

When a culture rejects God they reject all that God has created: 

-- When God created the first human he created relationship with him; God-man relationship.

 -- What is the first human-human relationship God creates?  MARRIAGE!

 -- Finally what is the first human-human relationship humans procreate?  CHILDREN!

When humans reject relationship God they reject ALL relationships.  We understand holiness, creativity, love, and righteousness are personal attributes of God.  God isn't simply in a state of holiness and righteousness, and God doesn't simply abide in a state of love.  God IS holiness, righteousness, and love.  In the same way God is relationship.  We see this principle at work then:

 Reject God, reject relationship!

There is something really weird happening in Romans 1, beginning with verse 24, then again in 26, and finally in verse 28...

24 "Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another." 

26 "Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones."

28" Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done."

(Bold and italic print are my addition)

These verse used to really upset me!!  How does a loving heavenly Father, "hand" or "give" people over to depraved minds, sin, and ultimately destruction?  it is one thing if I hand myself over to destruction, but GOD HANDING AND GIVING PEOPLE OVER?!?!  Don't God's actions in Romans 1 violate LOVE, the essence of God's nature?!  NO!  In Romans 1 God is simply following OUR LEAD!  

It is the culture which "hands" and "gives" it's CHILDREN over to foolishness, sin, and ultimately destruction!  It is human parents, not the heavenly Father who hands us over.  God does in the spirit realm what human parents are doing in the physical world.  God is literally giving us the desires of our hearts, that we as a people group SHOW him we want for ourselves!  

Consider this:  

“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you."

That is the fifth command out of the Ten Commandments.  I've long called it the "linchpin" or "hinge" which holds all the other Commandments together.  The first four Commandments are about relationship with God.  The last five Commandments are about human relationships.  The Fifth Commandment is where God and human combine.  Parents are the first representation of God. Parents are also the first representation of human culture or family.  So what does the break down look like if people reject relationship with God?

Broken relationship with God ---->  break the marriage relationship ----> break marriage and break children ---->   break children and break the world!

When God gives someone over he isn't leading the way.  When God hands or gives a person over to ultimate destruction he is following the world's lead; God does to us what we have done to ourselves first.  Then we see this principle:

When God "gives" or "hands" people over he does so because we first SHOW him that is what we want!  When God "hands" over he is giving us our heart's desires!

First God sent his perfect commands through Moses, a broken sinful human. It was impossible for those humans to keep God's perfect laws.  A bunch of laws cannot achieve salvation, or even the hope of salvation.  God tells us that his law is powerless;  GOD HIMSELF SAYS TO US, AS REGARDS, HIS RIGHTEOUS, HOLY, AND PERFECT LAW, THAT IT IS POWERLESS!  

 "For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering."

Romans 8:3 (NIV)

(Bold and underlined text is my addition)

Now if God's law, which is perfect, is POWERLESS, then how could any Christian ever believe a law like the Defense of Marriage Act or DOMA could have had any power?   If God's laws are perfect and powerless, how much less powerful are the laws made by mere men?  

Words even God's words can't save, free, or repair broken relationship with God.  God had to put on human flesh, and come down himself to save, free, and restore relationship.  What restores relationship is not words, but face to face relationship with God.  

Ryan's mom handed him over to his abuser, same thing for Lilly.  It isn't enough to tell people they are sinners!  It isn't enough to make laws against sin! God models this for us.  Jesus came down to have relationship with us, and when he does he hands us back to Father.  In the same way God works through us in relationship to save, free, and restore.  

Ryan's mom handed him over to his slave master.  Someone; a real live, breathing, human through whom God pours out his "FATHER LOVE," must reach in and hand them back to God!!   

-- There is only one end to gay marriage

-- There is only one end to sexual brokenness and immorality, including homosexual sin!

-- There is only one end to sexual sin in the Church

-- There is only one end to molesting priests in the Church

-- There is only one end to abortion 

-- There is only one end to the destruction of family

YOU have to reach in and pull the Ryan's and Lilly's out of the chains, cages, and dark pits their human moms and dads have thrown them into through the creation of broken relationship with their childre.  Nothing we say or do outside of being walking talking compassion buckets full of Father God's RELATIONSHIP LOVE can succeed!!!  

Now let me explain the heart of what the title means:

STEPPING IN: Is Self-preservation 

Part 4

  

STEPPING IN

Is Self-preservation

Part 2

BOYS BECOME TOYS FOR OTHER BOYS

Mary, is Ryan's older sister.  She was Ryan's best friend and buffer between him and the rest of his siblings.  Ryan was the baby of the family, and I knew his older siblings had always given him a rough time growing up, but I was soon to learn how terrible it had been.  Mary contacted me out of the blue one day in 1995.  I didn't know she even knew my full name or contact information.  I'd spent a little time with Ryan and Mary, before he had to run away to Indianapolis.  After Ryan moved back I think I saw her only once.  

Mary asked me to meet her for lunch, and we set a date.  I couldn't imagine why Mary would be contacting me, and I was nervous.  It took us a long time to work through the chitchat, jump through the proper social hoops, and endure all of the niceties you have to endure when you're about to have a confrontation. And it wasn't even a normal confrontation.  It was a confrontation with someone I knew only through another person, a person who wasn't even in the room with us!  

Finally Mary broke the ice by explaining that Ryan wanted her to contact me.  I relaxed immediately.  She asked me if, after lunch, I would come back with her to Ryan's house so we could speak in private.  I didn't feel threatened, so I agreed.  I followed her to Ryan's house, where she was living.  I wasn't sure how I felt about being there.  My friendship with Ryan had ended in early 1987, very abruptly.  When I followed her in I felt fine, I felt oddly at home.  Our last interaction had been a very pleasant conversation, so it was fine.  

Mary started off, "Lonnie, thank you so much for agreeing to this."  

I said, "Sure Mary, but what is this all about?"  

She chuckled and said, "No beating around the bush with you, huh?"  "Alright then," she said with a huge sigh, as though she'd just dropped a heavy sack off her back.  "You were the best friend Ryan has ever had," she said, drawing her closed lips tight between her teeth so there was only a line where her lips had been.  She was struggling emotionally.  After a long pause, her eyes glistening, she said, "I think you might even have been the love of his life."

"HA HA!" It was a visceral guffa, born of bitter disbelief.  "He sure had a terrible way of showing love!"  I asked, "Did he tell you I was the love of his life!?"  My voice was raised, by hurt.  In 1987 I had thought Ryan might have had strong feelings for me, but then he simply cut me off, refused to ever have anything to do with me.  

"Lonnie," she said, "Ryan, got a lot of wounds beginning when he was a very little guy."  "The reason I invited you is so I could explain why Ryan treated you the way he did."

"I REALLY WAS HIS FRIEND, MARY!"  I was shouting, I don't know why I was shouting.  Mary walked over to me and clasped my lower arm in her hand, "I know Lonnie, you were a great friend to Ryan."

"Ryan, wasn't a friend to me Mary," I said softly, desperately trying to put the brakes on my tear ducts.  "You can say whatever you want, but Ryan didn't love me, I don't believe he even could love me."  Mary looked me straight in the eyes, and simply nodded her head, "yes."   Mary then said, "You know the old saying, 'Boys will be boys!'" I'd heard that old saying so many times from Ryan, I was stunned when Mary said it.   

Mary said, "May I tell you why Ryan couldn't show you the love I believe he really felt for you?"  She continued, "May I explain to you how I know Ryan truly loved you?"  I couldn't stop the tears flooding my eyes, or my face from contorting into a mask of pain.  All I could do was nod, "yes."

"Lonnie, before he died, Ryan told me what happened to him, and I'm pretty sure it's why he was gay."  (In those days it was still okay to believe that trauma suffered in childhood greatly influenced if not out and out caused sexual deviancy).  "Please, Lonnie, may I tell you Ryan's story, and then make whatever judgment you want to make," she begged?  

I sat down on Ryan's couch, and said softly, "Okay, Mary, I'm listening."  

Mary started with, "When I quoted the old saying, 'boys will be boys,' just now, you looked like I'd slapped you."  She gave a little smile and continued, "He got it from our mother, that's what she used to say when my brothers did something stupid."  She looked down at her hands in her lap, what was coming next was going to be incredibly hard for her to say.  She kept her head down, swallowed hard, and plowed ahead.

"After Ryan told me about what ruined his entire life, I hated that old saying, mom always used," she gritted out.  "And after that, I also hated my mother!"  Now Mary was crying.  I reached across and squeezed her folded hands, to show support.  She started talking through the tears, telling one of the hardest stories I've ever heard.  Once she started she didn't stop.

She pushed her words through the emotions shutting down her throat, "Ryan was four or five, at the time.  It was a Saturday morning, and Ryan was in the room our two oldest brothers shared.  Our next to older brother was out of the house, but our oldest brother was in the room with Ryan.  At that time our oldest brother would have been 20 or 21 years old, 15 to 16 years older than Ryan.  When our mom walked into the room, returning something one of the boys left out, they were both sitting naked on our older brother's bed.  As soon as our oldest brother heard the door opening he'd stopped what he was doing to Ryan...he was sexually molesting Ryan...When mom saw them she stopped, and Ryan said, "'She looked right in my eyes,"' and then she turned around, walked out the door, saying, as she closed it behind her, "Boys will be boys."  

His own mother had abandoned a baby, her baby, to the hands of the adult man molesting him!  

The most important person in the world, one of the people who should have loved him, saved him, protected him, cried with and for him, cared for his wounds, and walked with him away from abuse toward wholeness again, absolutely abandoned him to the hands of his abuser!  Ryan's soul, created to bear the image and likeness of God was twisted into a form that looked nothing like a human form, let alone that of God.  For Ryan the world became a dark, harsh, unloving, horrible place.  For the rest of his life Ryan believed he was worthless, useless, unlovable.  Ryan couldn't give love to anyone because he couldn't believe love existed for him.  Love may have existed for other people, but the one person in all the world, who is the first representation of God's love in his life was utterly indifferent toward him.  

Ryan's mother may just as well have bound his body up with heavy chains, locked him in a cage, and then dropped him down a deep dark pit; abandoned for life.  She took all hope away from a little child when she closed that door, and her words became the epithet spoken after every relationship he tried to build fell to pieces.  

I came to Christ in June of 1990, and by this time I had some understanding of what love is.  I could only think of one thing, "Ryan, just needed someone to save him.  Jesus had saved me, and Jesus could have saved Ryan!"

I wept bitterly and unashamedly and Mary joined me.

  

More to come in Part 3

Unfortunately, Ryan died sometime in October 1994, from complications due to AIDS.  No one ever reached out to him, no one ever loved him to salvation, or even tried.  I have no doubt, had Mary known Ryan's story, before he got too sick, she'd have tried.  If I had known Ryan's story a few months before his death, when I last saw him, I'd have tried.  

Thank you for reading!  Thank you those who are praying!

I hope you will stay with me.  The first two parts of this are just setting the stage for what I want to say about my friend "Carl."  

  

STEPPING IN

Is Self-preservation.

Part 1

BOYS WILL BE BOYS

I wrote about Lilly, an HIV+ "Lady of the oldest profession," in my last post. Just click on this link to read that post  

http://lonniesthesaltworks.blogspot.com/2015/07/looking-wrong-way.html  

In this post I want to talk about "Ryan".  Ryan isn't his real name, and I haven't seen Ryan for 21 years, as of June this year.  The last couple of times I saw him were the best talks we'd had in many years.  Ryan had once been my best friend, but then circumstances, mostly beyond either of our control, abruptly severed our relationship.  I'll get back to fleshing out this story in a minute.

The reason I'm talking about Ryan is because of a conversation I had the other day with another friend I  hadn't talked to in many years.  "Carl", of course, not his real name, is a brother in Christ who struggles with Same-Sex Attraction or SSA.  I want to make it very clear here that Carl is a dear man, and I stand with him as my brother in Christ.  Am I aware of Carl's sin?  I am painfully and sadly aware of my dear brother's wounded condition.  Most important of all I am aware of Christ's supreme power to overcome the broken sinful condition of all of us; God taught me that through Lilly.  If God hadn't taught me through Lilly I would still be focused on Carl's sin, rather than Jesus who, "takes away the sin of the world." (John 1:29)

At one time Carl was the pastor of a nice sized, bustling Evangelical church.  Can you guess where this is going?  Carl had to step out of church leadership because of his struggles and failings with his SSA.  Carl is painfully and sadly aware of his wounded, sinful, and broken condition.  Carl is not a Gay "christian."  He's got some very impressive credentials from some of the most respected Christian colleges and seminaries.  He can study all of the passages of Scripture which deal with homosexuality in Greek.  Carl isn't trying to hide, and freely acknowledges that the Bible absolutely condemns every kind of sexual sin.  Today Carl is a business man, but he told me there was very little potential for him to ever serve God in any kind of ministry again.  I think he's right... that is unless some brothers in Christ are willing to step up and walk with him.

This is a conversation I had in college with my friend Ryan:

"Well, boys will be boys!" Said Ryan bitterly.  

"What?!" I asked, "Ryan what the H*** are you talking about," I demanded?   "You say that stupid phrase all the time, and it doesn't tell me a d*** thing about what you're going to do now!" 

"Lonnie, there is nothing I can do about it," Ryan calmly informed me.  The only hint of anger or bitterness came out when he said, "boys will be boys."  

"Ryan, just take Jeff out to dinner, ply him with wine or whiskey. Heck, sleep with him if you have to, but get him to change his mind!" 

"Lonnie, Jeff isn't going to change his mind, he's on a gay power trip.  I'm surprised he even warned me he was going to publically out me."  

**OUTING was made popular in the 80's by militant gay activists.  If a "closeted" LGBT person had a position of power, celebrity, or a high profile, respected profession, gay activists would publicly force them and their sexual preference into the public square.  

"Yeah, it must be mad love, because he warned you before ruining your life," I said sarcastically.  I stood directly in front of Ryan, put my hands on both his shoulders, and looked him square in the face.  "Ryan," I asked pointedly, WHAT are you going to do now?!"  

Ryan bent forward slightly, as if a weight around his neck was bearing him down, "I've been talking to a college friend at a firm in Indianapolis.  I start working for him as a contractor on Monday," he said through tears.  I had never seen my friend so defeated, afraid, beat down.  I was really hurting for him, and filled with rage toward his former friend.  

Ryan, didn't return home for nearly 2 years.  He only returned after his former friend Jeff died suddenly.  The day Ryan told me he had to run away was the beginning of a powerful hatred for gay activists.  In my opinion any good gay activists did was overwhelmed by the more important truth; that they were cruel bullies.  

Ryan used the phrase, "boys will be boys," all the time and, I thought, randomly.  It was almost like a cuss word when he said it.  When Ryan said, "Boys will be boys," there was always bitter resentment, anger, hurt, frustration, biting sarcasm dripping from it.  It wasn't until I was hanging out with Ryan's sister, Mary, that the horrible story behind the phrase came out.  

After hanging out with Mary, that day, I knew Ryan's sexual preference was a direct result of the actions which lead up to Ryan's first remembrance of the phrase, "Boys will be boys."  

Hope you'll come back and read Part 2.